A History of the World

From A Russian Teen Writer's Perspective

by Zagadka

Mikhail Sergeivich Gorbachev was a wonderful Soviet premier. He is the man that ended Communism, and made relations with U.S. better than ever. Would you like to know what the man looks like? Well he is a small man, with glasses and a monotone voice. But his most famous trait is his bald head with a birthmark on it. Some experts argued that it looked like a map of Antarctica, and some experts argued it looked like bird droppings.

In either case, Gorbachev was the man that brought many western ways into the U.S.S.R. Many U.S. products started to appear on shelves. People did not have to smuggle Nike shoes anymore. They didn't have to go to black markets any more, causing the black market mafia get a little jittery.All because of this thing called Perestroika, which literally means rebuild-it.

Well it rebuilt U.S.S.R so well that by the end of Gorbachev’s Premiership, the country was in an economic crisis. "The ruble has turned to rubble," as some Wall Street analysts said. People were poor and they were also angry about the war in Afghanistan. Lots of people were getting killed. because the Soviet Army was incapable of winning that war. Either the army was drunk, or it needed more vodka. No one knew the real answer, but they decided to make more vodka anyway.

That didn’t help, so the Soviets had to pull back. And back in Afghanistan, a long bearded man was laughing, “Yay the Soviets are done for, now let's create ‘peaceful religious’ camps. Thanks U.S. for all your help. Can you send us more money and weapons, even though the war is over?”

Then in the early 90's there was a peaceful revolution. The Russians learned it from the hippies, and with only about a dozen people killed, the Russian army blew the government house to pieces with tanks and Communism ended.

A new and prosperous era had descended upon Russia. No more wars, just good capitalistic economy. A very sober man, (you could tell by his nose), stood up on a tank and said to the people "Make me President. I shall provide the country with enough alcohol that even the British would be jealous." And indeed, after that speech he was elected President! His name was Boris Yeltsin, and he was the first President of Russian Democracy.

He watched a movie called The Godfather and decided to create his own little "family." He picked many “sober” officials to be in his presidential team. Through their help, Russia became the world's poorest country with nuclear weapons, not counting India and Pakistan. Throughout his presidency Yeltsin did many things. One important thing he did was to declare the Cold War over.

Because of that, he got to meet President Bill Clinton, and they decided to be the best of friends. No matter how bad things went they would be in it together. And so it was! They both were impeached. Both were pardoned. Both had stories about their noses. Boris, because he was drunk, and Bill because his nose was long from lies in the Senate. Indeed they were "Comrades in trouble."

Yeltsin went back to Moscow. Day by day his nose got redder and redder, until he realized he could not be the most drunken president in the world. So he decided to be the most hospitalized president in the world. And he did! He was sent to the hospital, where he could finally drink vodka without cameras watching him do it.

But then the year 2000 was approaching. Because of unpreparedness of the Russian nuclear arsenal, he decided to resign as President. One of the reasons given was that he did not want to be accountable for what his missiles did, and another, yes you guessed it, more free time for vodka.

His successor, Vladimir Putin, an FSB officer, formally known as the KGB, was a young man who became the second President of Russian Democracy. So now our future stands in a little known place called Chechnya. The future of Russia will be dominated by corrupted politicians, unpopular wars, and of course vodka, the main political tool in winning a presidential election.

AWARDS

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